A mere 48 hours into the first shutdown of the Federal Government, life in the land of the free appears to be carrying on as normal for most non-Federal employees. Even Federal employees, while technically not getting paid, at least have some measure of certainty that they will get their jobs back and will likely be paid for the time they missed, unlike many unemployed Americans.
Much of the MSM commentary to this point has centered on the current budget standoff being nothing more than a childish spat amongst Congressmen who possess an increasingly common blend of arrogance and ignorance that is almost a prerequisite for public office circa 2013. For the MSM, anything other than business as usual is abnormal. What this analysis fails to recognize is that what is truly abnormal is what passes as business as usual for the Federal Government.
The current shutdown of the Federal Government is revealing on a number of levels. It is an exceptionally bold gambit being played by the faction of the Republican party that has brought the machinations of the Federal government to an unplanned halt. Amongst the revelations that have surfaced are the following:
The Federal government has somewhere on the order of 800,000 “non-essential” employees. The President is the one who decides which classes of employees are essential and non-essential. The President’s choices provide an interesting insight into his priorities. The distinction between essential and non-essential functions should also inform future discussions about austerity.
The President, in delaying the penalties for businesses with regards to the Affordable Care Act for a year, neglected to offer the same treatment for individuals. While on the surface, this appeared to be an administrative move, the faction of Republicans who are blocking a clean continuing resolution have called the President out on this slight of the American Public.
The Affordable Care Act provides for the addition of 16,000 IRS agents and zero doctors via direct funding provisions, a statistic that seems to defy logic and highlight the core function of the government as tax collector. Any increase in the availability and quality of care is left to market forces guided by government policy, a scenario that has failed in the sense that it produces sub-optimal results in every sphere where it has been applied.
Even if there was a clear administrative need to selectively apply the Affordable Care Act’s provisions, the act of selectively applying the laws provisions undermines the credibility of the law itself and in practice gives the President near dictatorial powers. This is a matter of principle that is worth standing up for. The fact that governance in America has degenerated this far and that it takes a budget or other fiscal crisis for it to rise to the surface is a national tragedy in and of itself. Further, this matter of principle, equality before the law, may be the only appeal to reason that the Republican faction has for what is otherwise an indefensible position. Either the Republicans themselves underestimate its importance or the MSM, in bickering about why certain satellites cannot be launched into space, has abandoned all appeals to reason in the discussion and this fine point of governance is lost on most observers.
The American Economy will eventually be much better off were the Government to remain shut down once it is allowed to adjust to the new realities. If the Fiscal crisis facing the government is as dire as advertised, it should be a no brainer for the government to discontinue any non-essential activities until such time that the nation’s finances improve to a point that they can afford to perform them.
It is reported on a number of fronts that the shutdown will shrink GDP by x% (roughly 1.2% by one estimate) and that $60 billion per day is simply disappearing because the government is not spending it on the wages of non-essential employees. This analysis falls into the classic fallacy of failing to see beyond what has disappeared to envision and recognize what will appear in its absence. While a number of non-essential government tasks are not being performed, a window of opportunity exists for enterprising individuals to undertake tasks that society deems essential but were not possible because a heavily subsidized competitor, i.e. Uncle Sam, had claimed a monopoly on activity. The reality is that the economy is likely to grow exponentially under current monetary policy, regardless of what the government does.
There are many more revelations that are bound to appear before the shutdown is resolved. It will take cutting through the MSM’s shallow analysis to parse it out, but if one keeps their eyes open, they will see the underbelly of the amoeba laid bare, and it is not a pretty sight.
On a rainy Thursday morning in Southeast Portland’s Bipartisan Cafe, we sit, slowing sipping our coffee with REM’s “The end of the world as we know it” playing softly in the background. The clouds and rain match the mood of our companion, Dr. Roger Doomsday, the world’s leading Apocalypse consultant. Dr. Doomsday, who has not even touched his mug since it arrived 10 minutes ago, stares quietly out the window at the traffic passing on SE Stark and only wonders what might have been.
After what seems like an hour, the famed Apocalypse Consultant breaks the silence,
“I did a great disservice to my early clients,” Doomsday says, in the first of many understatements he would utter. “Back then, my advice was too practical, I thought ‘hey, if you don’t want to go through this thing and have a better place to go to, why wait around for the Apocalypse?'”
Unfortunately for those of the Peoples Temple, Doomsday’s advice had horrific consequences which led to the greatest loss of civilian life in the US prior to 9/11.
After freeing himself from a slew of civil and criminal charges related to the matter, with the help of a then relatively unknown lawyer named Johnny Cochran, he began to reconsider his methods.
“I thought, rather than telling people to evacuate the planet before the inevitable occurs, why not try riding it out in style?” He then lets out what we interpreted to be both a chuckle and a sob, “I guess Koresh took my advice a little too far.”
After the Branch Davidian fiasco, in which Doomsday claims his only error was “not counting on the FEDs showing up,” which was understatement number two of the morning, according to our count, the resilient Doctor, with the encouragement of his well paid legal counsel, again changed his approach.
“I began to wonder if counseling people to heavily arm themselves and live as gluttons in far away retreats was the right thing to do, so I dropped the firearms stockpiling from my standard Apocalypse preparedness program in favor of a greater allocation of funds towards revelry.”
Fast forward to Uganda in 1999. Again, on the advice of Dr. Doomsday, the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God throws an epic party as what they deemed the end of the world as they knew it was approaching.
Unfortunately, a fire breaks out, enacting a heavy death toll on the revelers. Again, another one of Doomsday’s clients leaves a trail of shattered lives as time nonchalantly marched forward.
“What happened in Uganda was lamentable,” Doomsday explains, “but I felt I was finally getting it right, and my official recommendation never involved open fires.” Somehow, we felt that he was strangely giving a sales pitch and a disclaimer to us all in the same phrase, like the advertisements you hear on the radio.
With his approach strangely validated, albeit in his own mind, Dr. Doomsday moved from specializing in consulting obscure religious sects to taking his approach, which he called “Party like its 1999,” until The Artist, formerly known as The Artist Formerly known as Prince, formerly known as Prince, successfully sued Doomsday for copyright infringement, to both large corporations and governments.
“While the Apocalypse is always just around the corner, I had an incredible stroke of luck when the Mayan prediction began to be widely disseminated. With the year 2000 in the past and the Jewish Messiah’s arrival famously unpredictable, I needed something for people to latch onto, an end date they could all embrace.”
For the Apocalypse Consultant, the Mayan’s 12-21-2012 cryptic codex interpretations came like manna from heaven.
“What do they mean? No one can tell, but I can tell you what those native stone carvings and the wild imagination of the archaeologists who encountered them meant to me, about $1 billion, yes, billion in net fees over the past twelve years!” exclaimed the Dr. with more incredulity than joy in his voice.
For the past twelve years, Doomsday has travelled the globe helping both corporations and governments to squander what he estimates to be “Eight centuries of accumulated wealth” in just over a decade.
“Everybody wanted a plan, Citibank, JPMorgan, all the big banks, Cargill, GE, Xerox,” recalled Doomsday, “the Department of Defense even had something called Homeland Security created as a vehicle for passing wealth straight to the sewers of history. GW himself came up with the name, said it reminded him of home cooking, or something like that.”
“Some took my recommendations too far, too soon,” continued Doomsday, “Enron, Tyco, and Bear Stearns got all excited and blew up early, that was always the danger, blowing through the resources before the Apocalypse arrived.”
“‘How much is enough?’ everyone wanted to know, so I said “you know your retirement calculator? Just shift your life span to end on 12-21-2012,” he laughed, “worked like magic, and saved me a ton of accounting fees on the back-end!”
He now stares at the commuters passing down Stark on their way to work or school through the Bipartisan’s window as shakes his head. “I can only wonder what might have been,” he says, with a tone of regret.
While he believes much wealth has already been squandered, he can only wonder what might have been had the corporations fully implemented his recommendations. However, corporations, who seemed to eagerly embrace his ideas early, have been too slow to act.
Dr. Doomsday’s standard recommendations, which he calls “no-brainers” if the world is about to end, involved a number of disincentives for employees to work.
“Categorically, I told employers to slash benefits and freeze wages, something that many waited until a couple of years ago to do. Still, many employees saw the writing on the wall and retired, while others, notably union workers, clung to their jobs in the face of deep cuts…I didn’t see that coming!”
The idea was that, with such a disincentive to work, employees would do the math, retire, cash in their 401Ks and party or otherwise spend irrationally with 12-21-2012 in sight. Simple on paper, but in practice, Dr. Doomsday underestimated the influence of one key factor: The influence of the Apocal-skeptic.
It turns out, not everyone believed that the world would end on 12-21-2012. Even when presented with the temptation to spend an estimate 800 years of accumulated savings in just 12, some people just couldn’t take the bait.
“The Apocal-skeptics didn’t believe it. What was so clearly carved in stone by people smarter than ourselves some 3,000 years ago somehow didn’t register with them as credible evidence. Only now is my phone blowing up with calls asking how to fast track recommendations which were laid out to debauch the earth over a minimum of 7 years to be executed in a week. I threw my phone in the Willamette last night…I can’t take it, we had a golden chance and we wasted it, or didn’t, as it were.”
His sorrow is now evident, as a tear streams down his unshaven face.
“I mean, Citi just now laid off 11,000 workers? They barely have time to blow their 401Ks on unbridled debauchery. This isn’t how it was supposed to go down.”
Staring back at the window, he cries, “and these people look like they’re going to work!” as he slams his fist on the table, causing the half awake patronage to look in his general direction
“The only ones who truly got it are the Western Governments. I mean, in sheer numerical terms, they have hit the ball out of the park when it comes to squandering wealth,” He continues, “the Governments were already squandering an impressive amount of capital, I just gave them a reason to go all the way.”
While Doomsday still thinks the Government overdid it on things like defense spending, education, and cleaning up the environment, activities he says have no place in an apocalyptic mindset, he can’t deny the numbers.
“While I would have preferred to see my program of night club and amusement park development fully implemented, on net, they (Western Governments) have been the most proactive in encouraging leisure, revelry, and the ‘eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die’ mindset that is they very core of my philosophy,” he pauses and shakes his head, “they’ve done their fair share, but the people have failed them.”
He blames the human tendency to plan for the future, a survival mechanism which, he admits, takes time to overcome, as well as the Fiscal Cliff, which he claims is a myth which is perpetuated by Apocal-skeptics in the US congress who have a vested interest in the status quo, for derailing many of his recommendations before they made it out of committee and into various spending packages.
“I admit,” continues Doomsday, “that parts of my program, such as converting ship yards to churn out cruise ships and one of my favorites, constructing fraternity and sorority houses, as well as subsidies for inflatable play structures, seemed a bit far-fetched even for those convinced that the Apocalypse was coming…but our differences were more about how to waste the money, not whether or not it should be wasted,” he sighs, helplessly, “now they are setting up rules for Obamacare!”
Obambacare is a sore subject for Dr. Doomsday. It was the antithesis of what he deemed a proper Apocalyptic health care system.
“For goodness sake, all you needed were some ERs to mend the thrill seekers. Primary and preventative care? Vaccinations? Treating people with pre-existing conditions? What are we trying to do, make people think they’ll live forever?!?!?!?!”
He shakes his head in resignation that a once in a lifetime opportunity was lost.
“I did my part, I told people how to properly waste money, gave them an endless bucket list, and the framework for the common man and woman to live out their numbered days in pure, shameless debauchery. I even led by example.”
{Editors note: In his last statement, Doomsday is referring to his lifestyle which, up until his personal fortune was exhausted last week, made Hugh Hefner and most gangster rappers blush}.
As the rain falls, we take a look at our iPhone, suddenly, as the digital display ticks another minute towards 12-21-2012, we realized that Dr. Doomsday, like the famous Gambler who spoke with Kenny Rogers, had given us an ace that we could keep.
We quickly thanked Dr. Doomsday, though he doesn’t respond as he stares blankly out onto Stark street, and bolt out the door, right past the thought of paying the tab. We didn’t even bother to take his pulse as our internal clock turned up the volume as the seconds began to tick away with an eerie clarity in our mind.
We dialed our 401k provider as we run out the door of the cafe, barely noticed by those half awake on this dreary Portland morning.
“Yes, I need my account liquidated and the funds delivered to me in cash as soon as possible…I know there are fees associated…just do it, I will be by to pick it up within the hour.”
As we begin to dial airlines, the voice of reason screams out, barely audible above the ticking in our head, something along the lines of, “Stop!”
That would be the last we heard from him, as we call our family and friends and invite them to an all expenses paid party in paradise.
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